A modest proposal for settling close elections

Stuart the Clown is currently up 120 in the recount, and over at Ace there’s the predictable wailing and gnashing o’ teeth. Yes, Frankensenator would be bad news. But let’s get a grip here about “stolen elections”, shall we? The fact is, “the people of Minnesota”, considered as a mythical unitary body, really don’t care who their next senator is, or the vote would not have been as close. There is no “people’s will” here to be held sacred, and the only reason to treat every vote as sacred is that it’s such good propaganda in getting out the vote. The reason Democrats usually take these recounts is because people who are too stupid to vote properly will also make stupid choices in candidates. Meanwhile, the recounting and arguing is corrosive of faith in the democratic process. No matter who wins, the other side will accuse them of stealing the election. (We’ll stipulate that “losing faith in democracy” is a bad thing, although that’s certainly a debatable proposition.)

So here’s my idea: if the vote totals are within a given percentage (say, the equivalent of a thousand or two in a Senate contest). the winner is decided via gladiatorial combat, held in the largest stadium of that state. Tickets will be sold, and the event broadcast as pay-per-view, with all proceeds used to pay down the Federal debt. The survivor takes the office. The loser is no longer a problem. Certain parties will take more of an interest in combat and self-defense, which can only help their decision-making. What’s not to like?


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