Fruit defends itself against Kucinich

Apparently, nearly 3 years ago, an olive heroically escaped the pitting machine and ambushed Rep. Dennis Kucinich (D-Mars) from the cover of a sandwich,  to avenge the numerous vegetables that have been destroyed to support that man’s unnecessary eating. The olive’s martyrdom has finally brought the plight of the victims of veganism to public attention through Rep. Kucinich’s $150,000 lawsuit against the Longworth House Office Building cafeteria, which had served him a sandwich which “contained dangerous substances, namely an olive pit, that a consumer would not reasonably expect to find in the final product served.”

Yes, members of Congress live in a world where olive pits are dangerous, and where people don’t reasonably expect to find them in olives. Well, Denny, normal consumers (the folks you tax) are in good enough touch with reality to know that olives contain pits, and that neither machines nor human hands are infallible. Whichever low-wage drone put together your sandwich did not minutely inspect each olive, because a bunch of hungry and haughty Congressmen — including most probably you — expected to be served now, and the chances of losing the job through slowness were greater than the chances of encountering an olive pit. That’s one of those “unexpected consequences”  that you and your colleagues like to unleash on us.

Clearly, like most Democrats, you don’t want to take responsibility for your actions. But let’s give you the benefit of the doubt and say that yes, we have a right not to have pits in our allegedly-pitted olives. Most people, most of the time, have no problem when they encounter a pit. They chew around it, and spit it out. Even if they bite down on it, they feel pain but suffer no lasting damage. So how is it that your pit caused “permanent dental and oral injuries requiring multiple surgical and dental procedures”? It’s because you’re a vegan, and vegans have bad teeth. Since most people reasonably believe that a carnivorous diet is healthier, it’s clear that your own actions were a major contributory factor to the injury, and you deserve nothing. Besides, I’d assume that you’re used to having hard objects in your mouth.

Step away from the cherry pie, Dennis, and nobody gets hurt.

UPDATE: Nice wrap-up of public opinion here.

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